Friday, July 19, 2013

White Flag Kind of Day

So, I'm stubborn. I can admit it. I'm also focused, intense, a perfectionist, have high expectations and don't give up easily. Basically, if it's something that I want, I'm like a dog with a bone. As, I'm getting older, I'm trying to work this part of myself and learn to let go a lot more and I'm always searching for tools to help me come to terms with the fact that, it doesn't matter how strong I am, I can't always predict, plan, or make something happen that isn't meant to be. It is what it is. Of course, letting go and being "go with the flow" is VERY hard for me. My strength of conviction and expectation is a curse and causes me so much pain and stress.

Today, my self directed work may have contributed to me, finally, raising my little white flag in defeat. I took the day off (long overdue) and it was all about house hunting prep (meeting with mortgage broker, going over options) etc.

In the evening, I loaded everyone up to go look at some properties, just on the outside. It's good to just drive through and look at the neighborhood and see what it's like. The realtors do a good job of making every property look so fabulous online, but you have to go see for yourself, at different times of the day. 

Well, tonight's list of properties were just down right depressing and, after so much time, planning, stressing, driving around, calling, offering, negotiating and thinking about this whole process non-stop for as long as I can remember, I finally felt this very strange sensation of losing all hope and giving in to the fact that I might just have to give up and give in to the reality that this might not end up like I planned.  Why would I work so hard every single day to come home to some place, like that ones I saw tonight? Then my older son said something like, "Wow, Mom. You work so hard everyday and this is the best you would get to come home to?" and, then, because it was exactly what I was already thinking, the tears started flowing and I couldn't stop crying. I was driving and I couldn't see because my sun glasses were completely fogged over. My husband was very quiet, but then asked if he should drive. Of course, I said "no". What's the big deal? I'm just in the middle of raising my little white flag and this is what it looks like! It's only happened maybe two other times in my life and no one in the car witnessed those occassions, so they didn't quite know what to do with it all. 

I cried the whole way home. It's like the floodgate opened and wouldn't close. Then...

out of nowhere, I could see a beautiful pure white lab in the back of a truck (above picture is not of the actual lab. I was driving and couldn't take a picture). I saw the dog from a quarter mile back, but then I could hear my kids start to perk up and talk about it and they were hoping I could see it because they knew it would cheer me up. 

You don't see pure white labs too often and, as soon as I saw it,  I knew that it was my mom's way of saying to me that everything is going to be ok. She sent me that pure white angel dog, at that exact time, to make me smile and make my kids smile because they were worrying about me. I don't cry very often and rarely in front of my kids, so she stepped in to make it better. Of course, seeing the dog and feeling it was a sign from my mom made me cry all the more. But, it also brought me peace and I put away my little white flag for another day.

 "I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be."
White Flag by Dido

One of my favorite songs of all time.

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